I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas…..
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt
Aug
08
Gas Prices
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Aug
07
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great….that’s just great….
Some asshole’s got my pen!’
Aug
05
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer
Brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
Aug
04
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
Jul
31
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, t he brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.’
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch wi! th $600 , inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and sa ys, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.’ Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send
her the word ‘comfortable.’
The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your r anch if you send her just the word
‘comfortable?’
The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big. She’ll read
it very slowly…. ‘com-for-da-bul.
Jul
30
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry,
I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!’
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until
he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold,
and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
‘Happy Birthday!’
I fainted ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Jul
23
Women are not supposed to:
snore,
burp,
sweat, or
pass gas
Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up.
Jul
22
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if You had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
